This photo is from a video clip that means the world to me. The story behind it and my ability to share that story now means even more. 

The day before it was taken we had found out that our first fertility round was unsuccessful after over two years of trying to become parents. I had tried to not get my hopes up but how could it have not worked with everything that we did for it? 

It was from a wedding that we attended five years ago. The ceremony was beautiful and as I held my husband Ryan’s hand during the message of marriage, the trials and tribulations you face together and about starting a family- my heart sank. 

Then I felt guilty and selfish that my own sadness was being felt parallel with happiness for this joyous event. In addition to the mixed emotions was frustration, the feeling of failure and uncertainty of the future.  

My Dad had noticed (knowing the situation) and walked us back to the hotel during the cocktail hour where he and my husband consoled me. I was in uncontrollable tears… 

He brought us each a beer and we cheers’d to the future, whatever it looked like. They waited patiently while I redid my makeup, they convinced me that my eyes weren’t swollen, that it was okay to feel whatever I was feeling and brought me back to the reception. 

After dinner, Ryan leaned over and said, “Even if it is just you an I for the rest of our lives, we will have the best life together”. He took my hand and we decided to live in the moment, dancing together amongst our family and friends. This photo is of that exact moment. I received it by surprise from the videographer (Jasper Meddock Productions in Duluth, MN) a year later and had not known that it had existed. When I originally shared it on social media, I wrote “all smiles and singing”… this was true for what you see, but it was so much more than that. 

I felt compelled to share for this year’s Infertility Awareness Week to let you know that I see you. I know that there is more behind the smiles or what I call, “putting on the shine”.  But I do hope you have that moment that you find some peace and recognize that you and your relationship are more than your fertility or lack thereof. And do live in the moment- especially now, more than ever. Find success in the small successes of the day and enjoy them. 

After that wedding, we created a “Summer of 2016 Bucket List” to keep us busy and help us work through our heartache. We planned and wrote down when we would do every activity on a calendar. They were fun small things, and it gave us something to look forward to multiple times a week. To this day, it was one of the best summers of my life… it also became the reason for the best summer of other people’s lives too. I recommend this approach for everyone to use during times like these too.

We then went on to having another two unsuccessful fertility rounds, each one harder to process through. The video was sent while I was going through a miscarriage from one of them. It was an incredible reminder, and at the absolutely perfect time. Then two and a half years after this dance (4 1/2 years total), after our 4^th fertility round, we welcomed our daughter into our family. Another two and a half years later we welcomed our son during the pandemic in 2020, after our 5^th cycle.

I felt like I would never understand the “why” of this journey. But I later learned that sometimes our greatest struggles deliver our greatest life’s gifts. Keep moving forward.

Infertility was the hardest thing that I have ever gone through and continue to go through in my life.  

But infertility also opened my eyes to a greater appreciation than I could have even imagined. It solidified the love, strength and commitment in my marriage. It taught me that vulnerability builds and strengthens incredible relationships with others. It taught me to look past the smiles and see others with greater clarity and understanding. It built new strength and resilience in me that I didn’t know that I was capable of. And it gave me the ability to connect with others in a different and special way, like I get to right now.

To the “One in Eight” and their family and friends: 

I see you. I think of you. I pray for you. I am here for you. 

I hope you find your “why” someday too. <3